


Hidden Anxiety

by jjjeeessssss



Series: Hidden Anxiety [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxious Ennoshita Chikara, Anxious Yamaguchi Tadashi, Crying, I’m sorry yams, Kinda, Minor Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Panic Attacks, Tsukishima Kei is a Good Friend, Yamaguchi Tadashi Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:20:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27017182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjjeeessssss/pseuds/jjjeeessssss
Summary: Yamaguchi has a history of panic attacks that only his parents and Tsukishima know about.**heavy trigger warning: panic attacks, bad anxiety**slight spoilers to s1 ep24**
Series: Hidden Anxiety [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1979788
Comments: 2
Kudos: 83





	Hidden Anxiety

**Author's Note:**

> ****THERE IS A LOT OF TALK ABOUT ANXIETY AND PANIC ATTACKS IN THIS! if this is something that could hurt you then i beg you to click away!!

The first time it happened, Tsukishima was just as scared, maybe more, than Yamaguchi. All they were doing was talking about tests they were having in their classes, specifically one that they had gotten back, and then Yamaguchi started to cry. And then he was wheezing and saying that he couldn’t breathe.

Tsukishima knew that nobody was home to help, both of his parents were at work, and Akiteru was still at volleyball practice. He racked his brain for anything to help his friend, who was desperately trying to compose himself. After a few minutes, Yamaguchi began getting his breathing under control somehow. Neither knew how, it kind of just happened. It went so fast, but took so long to pass that they both couldn’t process it. Tsukishima made Yamaguchi sit on his bed. He tried to ask if Yamaguchi was okay, but nothing came out of his mouth.

Yamaguchi gulped and finished wiping his tears away. “M’sorry,” he mumbled, “shouldn’t have overreacted like that.”

Tsukishima’s eyes were huge. “O-Over–?”

“I’m okay now, don’t worry. It happens all the time.”

“A-All the time?”

Yamaguchi nodded. “Yeah.” He swung his legs as they dangled off the bed. Tsukishima looked at him with big eyes. It was hard to keep talking after the episode, so Yamaguchi decided to go home after a few minutes. He would have to tell his parents about what happened anyway so he figured it was better to talk about it with them rather than Tsukishima, who probably didn’t know much about panic attacks judging by his reaction. Tsukishima tried to keep him there until one of his parents got home, or even Akiteru, but he wasn’t convincing enough.

He didn’t even know what happened with Yamaguchi was called a panic attack until he asked about it at dinner that night. He explained to his family that Yamaguchi started crying and said that he couldn’t breathe, and then was okay after a few minutes. His parents looked at each other worriedly and Akiteru was looking at Kei in astonishment. “What did you do?”, he asked.

Tsukishima felt ashamed to say he didn’t know what _to_ do.

“So you just sat there?”

Their father glared at Akiteru. “Watch it.”

Their mother spoke gently. “Kei, I think that Tadashi had a panic attack.”

“Panic attack? Isn’t that when you’re anxious about something?”, he asked.

“Well, yes, but it can be caused by anything. If Tadashi was overwhelmed about something, that’s what could have caused him to panic.”

Kei looked down at the table, trying to think of what could have caused it, then his eyes widened slightly. “We were talking about tests…He said that he was scared that he would fail because he didn’t do well on the one we got back today…and I kept asking him questions…” He looked up at his mom. “I think I upset him.”

“No, you didn’t!”, his father said hurriedly. “You didn’t know, it’s not your fault, Kei.”

Kei blinked. He _felt_ at fault.

After, his parents explained to him what can cause a panic attack, who can get them (and it was scary to know that anybody could), why they happen to some people more than others, and anything else Kei wanted to know.

When Yamaguchi had gotten home, his mother called out to him. He tried to talk, but it was hard. His throat was dry from the crying he’d done before so he could only cough in response. He still couldn't believe what had happened, it was so embarrassing. And Tsukki was so scared…He felt terrible for putting his friend through that.

His mother was about to leave the kitchen to see if Tadashi was okay, but didn’t when she saw him enter the room. “Hi, sweetie, how was school?”

He shrugged and shuffled to the table awkwardly.

She turned to look at him. “Are you okay? Why are you so quiet?” He had just walked into the house, but he always yelled a happy hello when taking off his shoes at the entrance. She saw Tadashi shrug then asked, “Did something happen?” He shrugged again and she jumped, remembering something. “Oh! You got your test back today, right? How’d you do?”

Tadashi felt his bottom lip waver and then his mother was shutting off the stove to run over to him. “Oh, no, sweetie, what is it?” She put her hands on either side of his face and lifted it to meet his eyes. “Look at me, Tadashi. Talk to me.”

He felt fresh tears fall down his cheeks and his mother’s hands caught them.

She removed her hands, knowing he was too overwhelmed to speak, and wrapped her arms around her son tightly, rocking him back and forth slightly. After the first few panic attacks, she learned this was the best way to calm him down after one.

The panic attacks started when he was in elementary school, specifically his fourth year. His anxiety had been bad previously, mainly caused by bullying. His parents figured that it would pass as he got older, but it never did. Instead, it worsened to the point where his parents would find him crying because he was too scared to go to school. They took him out for a few days at a time to let him calm down, but that only made him want to stay home more, so they had to stop eventually.

When he had his first panic attack, he thought he was dying and his parents brought him to the hospital as soon as he voiced this. All three of them had never been more terrified. Tadashi could barely breathe and was only able to cry.

By the time they were at the hospital, he was closer to breathing normally, but it was still hard. His parents got him checked out just in case there was something serious going on. After a few questions and a quick examination, though, the doctor came to the conclusion that it was a panic attack due to anxiety.

As he got older, he and his parents learned new ways to control the anxiety without medication. The doctor had advised that they try to get it under control soon so it would be easier to manage when he was older. This worked well enough, but he eventually did need medication in his second year of middle school, something that nobody wanted. His panic attacks got to the worst possible place they’d been. The one in front of Kei the year before was a pretty standard one that Tadashi was used to, but in the next year, they’d gotten to a new level. Tadashi would pass out from them, throw up, would have a harder time getting his breathing under control, and could barely speak even after the attack had subsided. And they were longer and usually caused by anything.

Previously, they were only caused by things that seriously got under his skin, but with these new attacks, it was from almost anything that created a small amount of fear within him. He’d have to hide in the bathroom at school to avoid being seen, and he would even skip class to sit outside. Fresh air usually calmed him down when his parents couldn’t. Again, his parents had to start taking him out of school a few days at a time so he would calm down.

Tsukishima hadn’t seen many attacks after the first one from when they were first-years. There were a few very small ones, or moments where Yamaguchi had gotten close to one, though, and each time was terrifying.

Tsuksihima remembered crying a few nights, and asking his brother or parents why Yamaguchi was so anxious all the time. He was such a good person, he didn’t deserve to be scared. It made him so upset and he could barely wrap his head around it. Why would somebody be subjected to such anxiety?

He did a very small amount of research as a first-year just to get a basic understanding of what happens when somebody has anxiety and panic attacks. But when Yamaguchi started missing more school the year after from his panic attacks worsening, he fell into his questioning mindset again.

_Why would Yamaguchi get panic attacks?_

_What did he do to deserve this?_

_How could such a good person be subjected to that kind of mindset?_

_Why is his mindset like that in the first place?_

_Can it be cured?_

_What else helps?_

_How can_ I _help?_

After being stuck with these questions, he went to his computer to do more research. But this time, he focused on what he could do to help.

Through this, he found out that, for some people, music helped. Tsukishima loved listening to music, especially with the new headphones he had gotten for himself recently. Maybe Yamaguchi would appreciate listening to music too. Especially when anxious. The headphones were noise cancelling, too, which could possibly help. (He looked it up just to be safe.) After seeing how much information there was, he wrote it all down in a journal and studied it whenever he could. When he thought he knew a better amount, he brainstormed what he could do to help in any kind of way.

Of course, he wrote down fresh air, hugging and rocking back and forth. Yamaguchi had told him he liked these things the most and they calmed him down the quickest from what he could remember. However, Tsukishima couldn’t help but wonder what they would do when they weren’t in the proper settings for these things.

This brought him back to music.

He knew that Yamaguchi liked very calm music, whether it be some sort of instrumental arrangement or with singing. Maybe listening to something calm after a panic attack or towards the end of one would help him, especially if they were in an area where hugging or fresh air wasn’t an option (it was good to be prepared).

Tsukishima got to work quickly, creating a new playlist on his phone called _Tadashi_ . It was simple enough and easy to find. Tsuksihima’s own playlist was just called _Music._ He usually piled all of his songs together because they were all within the same genre for the most part. There was no use of creating a million smaller playlists, and that was too much work anyway.

It took him about an hour in total to add all of the songs he wanted to. They were very calm and slow (or at least he hoped they were). There was a mix of Japanese music, American music, piano music and songs from a few other countries. All that mattered was that they weren’t loud, and wouldn’t create more panic in Yamaguchi if he fell into another attack.

When Tsukishima showed the playlist to Yamaguchi, the latter almost cried and didn’t stop thanking Tsukishima for it. He made the playlist when they were second-years in middle school and he still had it saved on his phone.

It changed a bit as time went on, but not by much. Every few weeks, Tsukishima would add a song or two that he thought Yamaguchi would like, and shared it with him whenever they were together, which was often. They were always together at lunch and after school. And then in high school, they had the same class, had volleyball practice together, had lunch together and walked to both school and home together. Because they were around each other so much, Tsukishima was able to use the playlist more often, too. Yamaguchi had it on his own phone, but he would forget about it in the midst of a panic attack for obvious reasons. 

The playlist and his friendship with Tsukishima were two of the very few positives to Yamaghuchi’s anxiety. Of course, he wished that he didn’t have anxiety in the first place because it just kept getting worse over the years and was extremely hard to live with, but he knew that without it, he and Tsukishima wouldn’t be as close as they currently were (probably). He tried to focus on this fact and the fact that he had a good relationship with his parents, too, but it was hard.

Volleyball was a good way to get his mind off of the anxiety. And he hadn’t had a panic attack caused by anything having to do with it…until he was used as a pinch server in the Interhigh Preliminaries. When Karasuno went against Aoba Johsai, they were _so_ close to taking the game, they just needed a few extra points. And they could have gotten them if Yamaguchi had just gotten the first jump float serve right.

He had absolutely no idea how he had held down the urge to cry for so long, but he did. And when the game had ended, the team cleaned up outside and then outside to cool down.

There was a breeze, and it was nice at first. When Yamaguchi had dried his face off from his cool down, though, his chest tightened and his shoulders tensed. They had already been tense because he was a generally anxious person, but this tightness was different. And Tsukishima noticed it immediately. He was always prepared for that and Yamaguchi’s sudden sharp inhales that came with the beginnings of his panic attacks.

He mumbled a quick, “Going the bathroom,” to whoever was around him, and grabbed Yamaguchi’s elbow, pulling him into the building and going to the bathroom. Luckily, nobody was in there so it didn’t look suspicious when Tsukishima pushed Yamaguchi into a stall and shut the door behind both of them.

Yamaguchi’s inhales were louder now and closer to wheezes. He didn’t suppress them as much, and they echoed in the small space.

Tsukishima leaned against the door. “You’re not in any danger, you’re okay. Just breathe slowly.”

Yamaguchi never figured out how Tsukishima was able to stay so calm during these situations, but he did. Every time. He grabbed onto the other’s forearm, trying to stabilize himself. “Can’t…”

“Don’t talk.” He put a hand around Yamaguchi’s back. “Is this okay? To touch you like this?”

Yamaguchi nodded, his eyes squeezing shut. “Mhm.”

It usually was okay, but it never hurt to ask on the off chance something was different. And he probably should have asked before moving his hand. “Just breathe, you’re doing great.”

Yamaguchi’s chest was burning. He wasn’t going to throw up, but he might pass out. Tsukishima’s face didn’t move, though, he was focused on Yamaguchi’s knitting eyebrows and the tears building in the corners of his closed eyes. “You’re doing great,” he repeated. “It’s okay, _you’re_ okay.”

After a few minutes, Yamaguchi took in a deep breath, finally able to use some of the air that he took in. His grip on Tsukishima’s arm loosened as his breathing slowed. He gulped and couldn’t bring himself to meet Tsukishima’s eyes so he took a step back. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

“Don’t do that, it’s not your fault.” He crossed his arms. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Yamaguchi bit his lip and shook his head.

“That’s okay.” He looked around. “Wish I had my headphones. I could have put on your playlist or something.”

“That’s okay.” Yamaguchi’s voice cracked and Tsukishima moved closer to him. “It’s fine, I’m okay.”

“What do you need?”

He shrugged. “Dunno.”

“Then we’ll stay here until you’re okay.”

This has happened numerous times: Yamaguchi starts panicking and Tsukishima takes him somewhere private so he can calm down without too many people seeing. Then they would play it off as if one of them didn’t feel well. And they would do it this time, too. The last thing Yamaguchi wanted was for someone other than his parents or Tsukki seeing him like this. He didn’t even want _them_ to see him like this in all honesty.

He was in a frantic state where nothing processed in his head and he gasped for air, either resulting in throwing up or passing out. Nothing good came out of being like this and he didn’t want people seeing him in such an embarrassing state. Even though his parents and Tsukishima saw him like this multiple times, the feeling of discomfort and embarrassment that washed over him after he felt the relief of breathing normally again never went away. And for Tsukishima and Yanaguchi’s parents, the fear they felt when seeing Tadashi fall into panic mode while gasping for breath never went away, either.

The two had to tell Yamaguchi’s parents about the attack, too, or at least Yamaguchi had to. It was one of the worst parts, but it was a rule in his house: if he had a panic attack, he _had_ to tell his parents. Even if Tsukishima told them, they had to know. If Yamaguchi was feeling up to it, then maybe he would discuss what caused it or what he thought caused it (sometimes he wasn’t sure), but it wasn’t required. All his parents wanted to know was how many he was having so they knew if he should have another evaluation for possibly getting a stronger dosage of medication or just a stronger medication in general.

Sometimes Tsukishima would help him talk about it, but Yamaguchi didn’t want to drag him into those uncomfortable situations. Tsukishima honestly didn’t mind helping him, he liked being of use for Yamaguchi, which wasn’t very common.

On this night, Tsukishima helped him.

Yamaguchi didn’t stay home the next day. He usually would take a day off from school if he had an attack, but he had just missed a few days two weeks prior. And he wanted to go to practice in order to impress the team to show them that he was capable of perfecting this serve. But thinking about what happened brought back his fear, his panic, and his embarrassment from both screwing up the serve and also the panic attack that followed. He wished that the attack happened when he was home with at least one of his parents around or even when he was with Tsukishima (and nobody else), but that was too easy.

One day after practice, a little while after their loss against Aoba Johsai, Yamaguchi and Tsukishima were about to start making their way to the club room so they could change and go home. But Daichi and Asahi needed Tsukishima’s help. Neither of them remembered what for, maybe to get something on a high shelf in the closet. Tsukishima and Yamaguchi were just nervous that Yamaguchi had to walk to the club room alone now (more Yamaguchi than Tsukishima), but Hinata called over to Yamaguchi from the gym entrance to walk together. So he wasn’t exactly on his own, but he was still without Tsukki.

Hinata was on his own because Kageyama had already gone ahead with Sugawara, the two of them talking about something having to do with setting, and he talked Yamaguchi’s ear off the entire way to the room. It was nice because, for once, somebody else was doing the talking. Yamaguchi was usually the chatty one when with Tsukishima (who always listened).

He was still pretty nervous to be without Tsukishima, though. If something were to happen, only Tsukki really knew what to do. Nobody else knew that Yamaguchi was on medication for frequent panic attacks that could be caused by pretty much anything.

When they got into the room, Sugawara and Kageyama had finished getting changed and Kageyama was about to leave, Ennoshita was listening to a conversation with Kinoshita and Narita as he finished getting out of his practice clothes, and Tanaka and Nishinoya were about to leave. And there was no sign of Daichi, Asahi, or Tsukishima.

As Hinata continued with what he was saying, he and Yamaguchi went to their belongings and started getting changed. Yamaguchi was too concerned with the fact that Tsukishima wasn’t around to fully listen. What snapped him out of his trance-like state was Hinata saying, “Oh, and your jump float serve looked so cool today!”

Yamaguchi gulped. _Uh oh._ He did _not_ want to talk about this, and was so close to not having to. Although it had been a few days since the failed serve during a game, it was still hard to think about. He turned his head slightly. “Thank you.” His voice was barely heard.

Hinata blinked at the sudden change in Yamaguchi’s mood. He seemed so different all of the sudden… “Hey, you okay?” Hinata’s voice was surprisingly quiet in an attempt to not draw any attention to them, but it still caught Ennoshita’s ear.

Yamaguchi nodded, turning back to his things. “Yeah.” His throat was hoarse so he cleared it, hoping to bring some sort of moisture to it. He finished putting his shirt on and his vision was suddenly extremely blurry. _No, no, no_. His shoulders tensed as he tried to fix it. He knew what was coming.

Ennoshita glanced over at the two and could see how worried both boys looked. Hinata’s eyebrows were furrowed and his head tilted, while Yamaguchi was blinking rapidly with tense shoulders. Tenser than usual…

Yamaguchi could barely see his practice clothes in front of him and it caused him to panic, more than he already was when Hinata mentioned the jump float serve. He took in a quiet deep breath, but he didn’t get much air. He tried again, but it didn’t work.

Hinata looked at Ennoshita, who was closest to him, with a worried look and asked, “Is he okay?”

Ennoshita nudged Hinata in the direction of the door. “Why don’t you give him some space?” He looked around at everyone. “Hey, guys? Could you just wait outside for a minute? And somebody go get Tsukishima, maybe?”

Only Narita, Kinoshita, Sugawara and Hinata were left in the room. All but Sugawara exited quickly. He had gone closer to Ennoshita and asked if Yamaguchi was okay, but Ennoshita shook his head. “I think he’s having a panic attack,” he whispered in response. “Just give him some space.”

“I’ll get help,” Sugawara said before running out of the room.

Ennoshita approached Yamaguchi slowly. “Hey, Yamaguchi, do you know where you are?”

His eyes squeezed shut as he forced himself to nod. “Mm.”

“Okay, good.” He racked his brain for what else to do. He hadn’t helped anyone with a panic attack in awhile. “Just breathe. It’s gonna be okay, Sugawara is getting help.”

Yamaguchi leaned his hands on the shelf in front of him. He could feel his knees shaking. “Can’t…breathe,” he managed to say.

“Yes, you can. You can, you’re just panicking.” He looked at the distance between them. “Can I come closer to you?”

Yamaguchi nodded slowly again. “Mhm.”

 _Voice what you’re gonna do._ He stepped closer. “Okay, I’m gonna put my hand on your back. Is that okay?”

“Yeah.” Yamaguchi coughed loudly. He barely felt Ennoshita’s touch on his back.

“You’re doing great, okay? Just keep breathing.” He didn’t look away from the underclassman, despite his urge to watch the door for Sugawara, Tsukishima, Daichi– _someone._

Sugawara had told the boys outside of the club room to stay out of the way so he could rush back in with Daichi. Before he left, Narita reminded him to get Tsukishima instead. He nodded and rushed over to the gym, where Tsukishima, Daichi and Asahi were starting to exit as Ukai and Takeda locked it up. He stopped in front of them after almost crashing into Daichi in the process.

Asahi jumped from the frantic manner of Sugawara. Daichi and Tsukishima blinked, and the adults barely noticed anything. “Are you okay?”, Daichi asked, stabilizing Sugawara.

Sugawara shook his head and grabbed Tsukishima’s wrist, trying to pull him in the direction of the club room. “Yamaguchi needs you!”

Daichi and Asahi saw panic fill Tsukishima’s eyes quickly. The adults looked over, their attention caught. Daichi spoke again. “Is he okay?”

Sugawara shook his head, letting go of the first-year. “No, Ennoshita said he’s having a panic attack.”

Takeda and Ukai’s expressions completely changed to match Tsukishima’s. They were silently watching in horror. Then Tsukishima was gone, running in the direction of the club room. He threw the door open and saw Ennoshita talking calmly to Yamaguchi, who was struggling to breathe with tears going down his face through shut eyes.

“You’re okay, I’m right here,” Ennoshita said gently as he looked in the direction of the door. “Tsukishima is here,” he said in a slightly louder tone. “He’s gonna help you, okay?”

Yamaguchi whimpered in response and Tsukishima tried to keep his face expressionless. Ennoshita took a step closer to Tsukishima and leaned into him slightly to keep his hand on Yamaguchi’s back. “He’s doing better, but I think he’s been trying to ask for you. I don’t really know what caused it.”

Tsukishima nodded, gulping. “Thanks.” He went to Yamaguchi’s side quickly. “Tadashi, it’s Kei.”

Ennoshita left the room quickly and stood in front of the door, surprised by the millions of frantic questions from the group outside, which had grown due to the addition of Asahi, Daichi, Sugawara, Ukai and Takeda.

“It’s okay,” Tsukishima said.

Yamaguchi didn’t open his eyes.

“What happened?”, Tsukishima asked.

Yamaguchi couldn’t even open his mouth to try to speak.

“Do you feel like you’re going to get sick? Just nod or shake your head.”

Yamaguchi shook his head.

“Okay, that’s good.” He looked at the other’s hands which were squeezing onto the shelf still. “Can I touch you? Is that okay?”

Yamaguchi nodded.

“Okay. I’m going to take your hands from the ledge.” He waited a few seconds before reaching out to Yamaguchi’s hands. “Just squeeze my hands and focus on breathing. You’re doing great.”

Yamaguchi allowed his hands to be moved and slowly opened his eyes after a few seconds. Tsukishima was standing in front of him, his face calm like it always was. His breathing didn’t relax, though, it was still hitched and ragged.

“Do you want my headphones? I can put on what you like.”

Yamaguchi nodded, trying to keep his eyes open.

“Okay, I’m going to let go of you to grab them.”

Yamaguchi prepared himself and suppressed a gasp when Tsukishima’s hands were out of his and he was standing alone for a few more seconds as the other rummaged through his bag quickly. Then he felt the plastic slip over his ears and one of Tsukishima’s hands were back in one of his as the other worked on getting the playlist pulled up. “You okay?”, he asked before playing the song.

Yamaguchi nodded and then a quiet piano chord was heard. It caught him off guard and he held his breath for a moment. Tsukishima looked at him. “Breathe.” Yamaguchi released the breath as the piano continued.

It took until about half way into the song for his breathing to relax more. It was still rough and caught in his throat, but it was getting smoother. And his tears were stopping, too.

Tsukishima never heard of the song that was playing, but it seemed to be helping Yamaguchi quicker than any other song on the playlist had. Maybe because they’d been playing the others for so long, and this one was new. Tsuksihima didn’t know how he found it, but he came across it when looking up more music to add to the playlist. He didn’t even know how to pronounce the name. _Clair de Lune_ …it was definitely not in Japanese and when he looked it up, it said that it was a French song.

All Tsukishima knew was that Yamaguchi was calming down and he was shuffling closer to him. By the last chord, he was exhausted. Tsukishima was holding him close, his breathing was regular again and his cheeks were soaked. He moved his hands from around Tsukishima’s abdomen to the headphones, pulling them off of his ears slowly and letting them sit around his neck.

The two pulled away from each other and Yamaguchi wiped at his face. He opened his mouth slowly, but Tsukishima spoke first. “Don’t apologize.” Yamaguchi looked up surprised. “Don’t apologize,” Tsukishima repeated. He slowly took his headphones from Yamaguchi’s neck and stopped the next song that started playing. “I’m gonna get changed then walk you home.”

Yamaguchi nodded, slowly grabbing his belongings. When they were ready to leave, Yamaguchi was holding onto Tsukishima’s sleeve shyly. The team quickly went to gather around the two, but Tsukishima held up a hand. “I’m gonna take him home.” And then they were gone.

When they got to Yamaguchi’s house, Tsukishima walked him to the door. “Do you want me to help you tell them?”, he asked.

Yamaguchi just shrugged.

“I don’t have a problem with it, you know that.”

He mumbled a quiet, “I know.”

The door opened slowly. Yamaguchi’s mother was standing in the doorway. She saw the two standing on the porch and became worried. “It’s chilly out here, boys. Why don’t you two come inside?”

Yamaguchi didn’t look up and Tsukishima guided him inside slowly as his mother closed the door gently. Tsuksihima looked at Yamaguchi’s mother. “He had another one.”

She looked sad. “Tadashi, honey…”

“Don’t wanna talk about,” Yamaguchi muttered in response.

“You don’t have to,” Tsukishima said as he put a hand on Yamaguchi’s back. “I’m gonna let you rest.” He nodded to his mother, thanked her for allowing him inside, then was out the door.

Yamaguchi’s mother asked her son if he was hungry, but he kept saying he wasn’t. He never liked eating after attacks. His father got involved after seeing her guide him to his room. They both put him to bed after giving him his medication and he went to sleep quickly. His father opened the window slightly so the cool air would help him relax. His parents shared a look and went out to the living room together.

Yamaguchi’s father took out his phone and his mother looked confused. “What are you doing?”, she asked.

“I’m telling Kei’s parents that Tadashi won’t be in school tomorrow.”

She nodded in agreement. “Good idea.” She looked in the direction of his room. “Tell them that Kei can come see him tomorrow after school if he wants.”

She didn’t see him nod. The only sound was that of her husband typing out the message to Tsukishima’s parents.

Yamaguchi’s mother kept a close eye on him during the day. His father was at work. He had tried to get out of it, but it was too short notice and there was some sort of trouble at his office. He didn’t bother with the details, he only went to work and hoped that he could somehow be let out early to get home to Tadashi.

Before leaving for morning practice, Tsukishima’s parents shared the message from Yamaguchi’s parents with him. He was happy to hear they gave him permission to visit after school if he wanted to. He was going to ask about that anyway.

On his way to school, it was too quiet without Yamaguchi. They always walked together and Yamaguchi usually did the talking. It was refreshing because, although Tsukishima liked silence, Yamaguchi filled it in a calming and charming way. But this morning was…just silent. He put on his headphones.

When he finished getting ready for practice, he helped whoever was there set up the gym, and everybody began warming up while waiting for Ukai to arrive. As Kageyama and Hinata argued about something arbitrary, Tsukishima realized that he had nobody to tell his king comments to. It was kind of sad, really. Yamaguchi wasn’t there to laugh at what he said or to shush him, worrying that they would hear.

When Ukai arrived, he was with Takeda, both with serious looks on their faces. It was strange because they usually arrived at separate times, and never looked so down. Well, Ukai usually had a hard stare, but never serious like this. It made Tsukishima nervous.

Then the two announced that they wanted to talk to the team about something important before starting practice. Everybody gathered around quickly in a half-circle. Even Kiyoko joined them. Tsukishima knew what this would be about. He wanted to hide behind somebody, but didn’t, mainly because Daichi and Sugawara were in front of him, and they were both too short.

Nobody asked if everything was okay because it was obvious, based on yesterday, that there was something wrong. Even though it didn’t worry Tsukishima _that_ much (he didn’t want to talk about Yamaguchi without him present, but had a feeling he wouldn’t have much of a choice), the team didn’t know what happened so it probably worked them up. And even though Nishinoya, Tanaka and Kageyama hadn’t been around when the incident happened, the tension in the air told them that something wasn’t right.

Ukai and Takeda looked at each other and Takeda started speaking. “I don’t know the full story of what happened yesterday, and many of you don’t either. I _am_ aware, however, that Yamaguchi had a bit of a…He panicked…at the end of practice. I have not gotten in touch with either of his parents yet and even if I did, I wouldn’t necessarily be able to discuss another student with all of you.” He inhaled deeply. “That being said…if there is anything that anybody knows…please feel free to tell us. You don’t have to, but it could possibly clear the air a bit.”

The team, except for Kageyama, refrained from looking at Tsukishima, who was staring at the wall behind Takeda’s head. Hinata swatted at Kageyama's arm and stomach, hissing at him to not stare, but the taller of the two didn’t listen. “You have to know what happened yesterday, right?”, he asked.

Tsukishima rolled his eyes.

The team and adults looked between the two.

Sugawara spoke up before any fighting could begin. “Well, Ennoshita told me that he was having a panic attack. That’s why I went to the gym. To get help.”

Ennoshita looked at the ground.

Ukai’s eyes were narrowed slightly. He didn’t look angry, just confused. “How did you know it was a panic attack?”

Ennoshita shrugged. “I dunno, I just did.”

Tanaka fidgeted and he tried to avoid eye contact with anyone. Nishinoya saw it and his eyebrows furrowed. “You okay, man?”

Tanaka looked over to Ennoshita, who spoke again, but slowly. “Well…I used to have pretty frequent anxiety attacks so I guess I just know the signs.” He met Tanaka’s gaze. “And, um, last year…I helped Nishinoya through one…”, he looked away, “after his fight with Azumane.”

Asahi was stunned as he looked at Nishinoya with sorrow, and the other gulped uncomfortably, keeping his stare on Ennoshita. “I-I forgot about that.” Now it made sense why Tanaka was suddenly so tense, he had been with the two when it happened.

Ennoshita nodded. “Yeah, uh…sorry, I should have asked–“

“No, I don’t care.” He looked at Asahi, seeing the fear in his eyes. “Don’t stress about it. It was when we were fighting, y’know? We’re past it.”

Daichi looked at Ennoshita. “Do you still have…?”

Ennoshita nodded. “Yeah, but not as often. In junior high, they were really bad…but I’m better now. I got put on medication and my parents got me counseling for it.” He shrugged. “They’re not…cured, or anything…I still get them…but they’re easier to deal with now.”

Takeda looked at Tsukishima. “Does Yamaguchi get panic attacks often?”

Tsukishima nodded, finally meeting the teacher’s eyes. “Yeah.”

“Well, he _is_ an anxious person,” Kageyama said quietly.

Tsukishima eyed him quickly, but brought his eyes back to Takeda. “He’s had panic attacks since elementary school.”

The team looked shocked. “Elementary school?”, Daichi asked in disbelief.

Tsukishima nodded, his voice calm as he replied. “Yeah, but he has help for it.” He paused. “And he’s okay from yesterday, he’s just taking the day to rest.”

Sugawara’s eyebrows furrowed. “He’ll be okay, though, right?”

Tsukishima nodded. “Yeah, and I’m seeing him after school later.”

Hinata gulped, uncharacteristically quiet with a guilty look on his face. Takeda took notice of it. “Hinata, are you okay?”

Hinata looked up at Tsukishima. “Do you think…I asked him about his jump float serve and…then he got…Could I have…?”

Tsukishima shook his head. “I don’t know. Yamaguchi panics easily, though, anything could have caused it.” He didn’t know what happened himself because Yamaguchi hadn’t brought it up. But now that Hinata mentioned the serve, it made more sense for the sudden panic. He remembered after the game against Aoba Johsai and having to run to the bathroom… “Don’t worry, he’ll be fine.” He didn’t tell the team anymore, it wasn’t his place.

Takeda nodded. “Thank you for helping us understand. It couldn’t have been easy.”

Tsukishima shrugged. Yamaguchi had it worse.

Ukai took over talking, but Tsukishima didn’t listen to it much. It was just something about making sure the team has a healthy place to get their emotions out and to tell somebody if they weren’t not feeling well. Tsukishima had gotten this lecture from his and Yamaguchi’s parents several times since middle school when Yamaguchi’s panic attacks worsened. Even Akiteru gave him the lecture a few times.

After the talk, the boys started practicing and then Tsukishima went to class alone. It was still quiet without Yamaguchi at his side so he put his headphones back on to drown out the silence around him. In class, he was bored. He kept glancing over at Yamaguchi’s empty seat, hoping to see a small smile from the other, but there was nothing. Nothing but his empty desk.

At lunch, Tsukishima listened to more of his playlist and ate quietly as he waited for afternoon classes to start. And then after, there was practice again. That was it. His entire day was beyond boring without Yamaguchi, and he didn’t stop worrying about him all day. He wanted nothing more than to skip afternoon practice so he could go straight to Yamaguchi’s house, but somehow convinced himself to go to the club room anyway.

The team was strange around him. They were asking him how he was every few minutes, Kiyoko went up to him a few times, and even Ukai asked him if he needed to sit out. He had a feeling it had to do with Yamaguchi, but of all people to ask…shouldn’t it be Ennoshita? Because that morning, he said how he used to have panic attacks frequently and still had them. Tsukishima didn’t get panic attacks, he only helped Yamaguchi through them. He was perfectly fine.

He liked to tell himself that at least.

Tsukishima would be lying if he said he didn’t worry about Yamaguchi pretty much every day. He hated when they were separated, because they were close friends, but also because anything could send Yamaguchi into panic mode. And not many people knew what to do if he _did_ end up panicking. His parents did, of course, but he wasn’t around them all day. And the medication only did so much…Tsukishima didn’t like thinking about it for this reason, it made _him_ panic.

The third time Ukai asked him if he wanted to sit out, he did. Practice would be over soon anyway so it meant he could rest and wouldn’t be so sweaty when going to see Yamaguchi later.

When practice had ended and the gym was cleaned, the boys went to the club room together. Tsukishima was ahead of everyone, but nobody went up to him. They all knew he was worried about Yamaguchi, it was kind of obvious. Obvious in a Tsukishima kind of way. He wasn’t one to show his emotions, but without his usual friend by his side, his demeanor was completely changed. He and Kageyama didn’t even bicker like they usually did.

When they were in the room, Ennoshita went up to him slowly, despite Nishinoya and Kinoshita trying to talk him out of it. “Hey, Tsukishima?”

Tsukishima turned after finishing getting changed. “Hm?”

“Tell Yamaguchi hi for us? And that we’re thinking about him?”

Tsukishima nodded, putting his headphones on. “See you all tomorrow.” He walked out of the room then in the direction of Yamaguchi’s home. He was excited to see him. A day without his best friend was harder than he thought it’d be. It hadn’t been long since Yamaguchi missed school to recover from a panic attack, but today was just…it was harder than the other days. Maybe because he was so worried. One of Yamaguchi’s biggest fears was panicking in front of a teacher or classmates, and he had done just that in front of most of the team. There was no doubt that Yamaguchi was feeling lousy, and the fact that Tsukishima had to explain what was going on to the team would not help.

When he got to the house, he knocked gently. His parents knew he would be here so there was no need to text them until he was on his way home.

The door opened and Tsukishima was met with Yamaguchi’s father. “Ah, Kei!”

Tsukishima attempted a smile. “Is now a good time to see Tadashi?”

“Of course.” He moved out of the way. “Come in.”

Tsukishima took off his shoes and then Yamaguchi’s mother walked into the room. “I was hoping that was you!” She smiled. “Tadashi is doing a lot better. He’s been asking when you were going to come here.”

Tsukishima’s smile brightened slightly. He nodded. “The team missed him today.”

She nodded and motioned to his bedroom. “Well, go see him.”

“Thank you.”

“Thank _you_ for coming to see him.”

Tsukishima went into Yamaguchi’s room slowly. “Hey, it’s me.”

Yamaguchi was sitting on his bed, scrolling through his phone. He looked up and smiled big.

He walked into the room, shutting the door behind himself. “How are you feeling?”

Yamaguchi put his phone to the side. “Much better.” He scooted over. “Come sit with me.”

Tsukishima put his belongings in a corner of the room and then sat beside Yamaguchi. “Everyone missed you today.”

Yamaguchi bunched up his lips. “I missed them, too. I wanted to go to school…but I don’t know how I would really face the team after yesterday.”

“You don’t have to explain yourself, I get it.” He paused. “They say hi, by the way. And are thinking about you.” Another small pause. “They were worried about you.” He looked at Yamaguchi. “And you’re lucky that Ennoshita was there.”

“Yeah, I know…”

“No, today he said that he used to get bad panic attacks in middle school. That’s how he knew what was wrong and what to do.”

Yamaguchi met Tsuksihima’s gaze in disbelief. “Really?” He thought Tsukishima meant that Yamaguchi was lucky somebody was there to clean up his mess…He should have known better, Tsukishima was never mean like that at times like these.

Tsukishima nodded. “Yeah, and he said that he helped Nishinoya through one last year.” He paused, looking back at the wall in front of them. “But they were asking about you. They wanted to know if you get panic attacks often.”

Yamaguchi looked at his hands. “Did you tell them?”

“Had to, but I didn’t want to because I know you don’t like telling people. But they were worried.”

“Do they think I’m weird?” He seemed to be asking himself the question.

Tsukishima looked back over to him and saw his shoulders were tense. “They don’t.”

Yamaguchi tried to keep his breathing steady and inhaled shakily.

“You okay?”

“Mm…”

“Just breathe.” He stood and went to the window, opening it slightly. “I promise you that they don’t think that.” He quickly went over to his bag and grabbed his phone and headphones. “You’re okay, just breathe.” He sat himself back down on the bed. “Breathe, you’re fine.”

Yamaguchi reached for Tsukishima’s hand when he was settled on the bed again. “I’m fine, I’m fine.” He wasn’t convincing.

“Are you sure?”

He inhaled again and it was even shakier than before.

“You don’t sound okay. Just relax.”

He couldn’t stop from saying, “They probably think I’m weird and ridiculous…It wasn’t even a big deal yesterday, but I just started panicking…”

“And that isn’t your fault.”

He went to say something else, but nothing came out. Tsukishima squeezed his hand then let it slip away to his headphones. He plugged them into his phone and then put them on Yamaguchi’s head carefully. He continued to talk to him gently as he prepared the playlist. “You’re okay. I’m right here. You’re doing great, Tadashi. Just keep breathing.” He clicked the shuffle button and saw that the same piano song from yesterday came up. He let it play and grabbed onto Yamaguchi’s hand carefully again. He stopped talking, knowing that the other couldn’t hear him.

Luckily, this attack hadn’t progressed too far. With the breeze coming into the room and the song playing, Yamaguchi was able to calm down quickly. Before the song had ended, he took the headphones off and put them to the side. He didn’t say anything.

“You okay?”, Tsukishima asked carefully.

He nodded and gulped.

“What do you need?”

Yamaguchi pointed to Tsukishima’s phone. “Can you unplug the headphones?”

“You want to listen without them?”

He nodded again.

“Okay.” He took out the headphones and leaned over the side of the bed to gently drop them on the floor without damaging them. He played the song and set his phone away from them on the bed. “Is that okay?”

Another nod. Then he reached his hands closer to Tsukishima’s abdomen and wrapped his arms around it, laying his head into the other’s chest. His fingers entangled themselves in the fabric and Tsukishima didn’t fight it, knowing that Yamaguchi liked some sort of hug after panic attacks. Although this one hadn’t been a full-fledged one, he knew Yamaguchi could still use the comfort.

Tsukishima slowly wrapped his arms around the other as the song continued. Then he began to rock themselves back and forth slowly. It was very slight, but enough for Yamaguchi to appreciate.

“This song is pretty,” Yamaguchi said after about a minute. “I really like it.”

“I’m glad. I like it, too.”

When the song changed over to a different one that was in English, Yamaguchi’s fingers relaxed and his hands laid flat against the other’s back. “Do you remember when my nails were really long?”

Tsukishima’s eyebrows furrowed. Instead of questioning the other, though, he answered the question. “Yeah. You cut them, though, right?”

“Yeah…I had a…an attack and I broke one of them…because I was holding onto something too tightly.”

“You never told me that.”

“It’s embarrassing.”

“I don’t think so.”

He was silent for a moment. “They’re long again.”

“Well, maybe you should cut them again. If you want to.”

“I want to…but my parents don’t really let me near anything sharp. They’re too scared.” He sighed. “But long nails make me look like a girl.”

Tsukishima’s chin rested atop Yamagcuhi’s head. “That doesn’t matter.” He was surprised that Yamaguchi was talking so much. This panic attack wasn’t as bad as they usually were, but he usually didn’t talk after them, no matter how easy they were to get through. “You’ve always been hard on yourself with how you look.”

Yamaguchi shrugged. “I don’t know.”

Tsukishima pulled away slightly and lifted Yamaguchi’s chin. “You know, I’ve always liked your freckles. I thought they looked nice.”

Yamaguchi’s cheeks darkened slightly. “Really?”

“Well, you like stars right?”

His eyebrow furrowed in confusion. “Yes?”

“Your face is like the night sky…but a little lighter.” He leaned in a bit closer. “And you can look for constellations.”

“What?”

He pointed to a part on his right cheek. “I think I found the Little Dipper.”

Yamaguchi giggled quietly. “No, you didn’t.”

He pointed to a part on his left cheek. “And look, Scorpius.”

Yamaguchi laughed again. “Stop it.”

Tsukishima pulled his hand away, smiling at the sight of Yamaguchi’s own, and then wrapped his arms around the other tightly again. Yamaguchi exhaled quietly and tightened his grip around Tsukishima’s waist again.

They sat in silence like before. The song changed to another one in English. Tsukishima thought it was weird sounding because of how old it was, but Yamaguchi had loved it since they were in middle school. Neither of them really knew what the woman was saying, even though they had looked up a translation of the lyrics a few times. They never really remembered what they meant. At around the three minute mark, Tsukishima said, “You’re pretty cool.”

Yamaguchi tensed slightly. “I’m what?” His voice was surprised.

“You’re pretty cool,” Tsukishima repeated. “You’re really strong for getting through your attacks. I don’t think I could do it.” He smiled lightly. “And you don’t give up, either, you keep going. That’s pretty damn cool.”

Yamaguchi’s bottom lip wavered slightly. “Really?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t feel cool.”

“You are.”

There was a pause and then Yamaguchi was pressing his face into Tsukishima’s chest more. “I hate this,” he said quietly.

“Hate what?”

“Panicking over everything…and having to stay home…and logging panic attacks…and taking medication– _all_ of it.” He sniffed between his words.

“I know.” Tsukishima squeezed Yamaguchi tighter. “I know.”

The song changed again and neither moved.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed!  
> This one was fun to write, to be honest. That sounds suppperrrr fucked up, but it was fun because this is something I haven’t really written (or seen written)  
> Gonna be completely honest: i hate the name of this fic but i had such a hard time coming up with something and i seriously wanted to post this  
> Poor Yamaguchi, I write so much shit for this guy ;-; (he’s my favorite character if you haven’t noticed lol)  
> Again, thank you for reading!  
> **if there is a warning i did not put that you think i should have added PLEASE tell me!!! (I won’t be offended)


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